I feel so...

I feel so very numb inside. I'm not sure what's going on. Sometimes I swear I'm bi-polar. My moods switch so quickly.
I want things with him to work out, but I'm having second thoughts on whether or not its worth putting forth so much more effort then he does.
I love working but these crazy hours are going to be the death of me.
I want to be on my own, but I don't. I'm afraid that if I live by myself the metaphorical walls will just come crashing down around me.
I need a vacation.

The Changing of Seasons....and life

I started a new job last week. It's pretty neat. I've never worked in retail before, so its a little stressful and overwhelming and times. Hopefully it will get easier soon. The people who have been training me are fantastic and I know I can ask them anything and not feel like a pain in their ass. The only downfall....its the holidays and my hours are crazy. However, my philosophy will now and forever be, you can sleep when you're dead. I'm still working with the disabled adults as well. Its getting a little difficult meshing the 2 together though.

Its still autumn...but with the weather the way it is, there should be mounds of snow on the sides of the road. Christmas is only a month away and it doesn't seem like it at all. Being that I live in Utah I have grown attached to the fact that when it snows, Christmas is right around the corner.. So where are you snow?!

I got another flat tire this morning. My luck is fantastic. I know. Still have no money in the bank to pay for it.. so I had to resort to asking Dean for money. Which is never a pleasant scenario. Hopefully in a couple more weeks I'll be back on top of things and not have to worry about being able to fill up my tank with gas.

Things with Nick didn't work out :( I'm disappointed but such is life. I still love Preston and want to be with him, but I'm not sure how long I can wait for him to figure out what he wants to come of "us". Carlos is fantastic. I'm glad that I decided to try and work things out betweent the 2 of us. He has helped me so many times in the past month and made me realize that sometimes I really am just being a dumb little girl and that I need to look past the "right here right now" and see that it all happens for a reason.

down in the dumps..

~Hypocrisy has really aged you well.
~Waking up without you just doesn't feel right, to sleep with only memories is harder every night.
~In your eyes I thought I saw tomorrow, now all I see is wasted time.
~You make breaking hearts look so easy.
~I feel like I've lost everything when you're gone.
~Can anyone help me make things better?

Random string of events...

So last night...probably should have just stayed home. But my best friend needed some moral support and a good cheering up. It was all fine and dandy until I got that blasted flat tire on the way to Tyson's house. Neither my boy nor hers would answer the phone....What brats. So we called Tyson. Luckily he's a pretty amazing friend and came to our rescue. Went to his house for a bit after he saved us from dying on the side of the road. (over dramatic, yes I know) Then I took Ashley home and went home myself. The events that happened after I arrived at my house truly disappoint me, but only in myself. I know I'm better then this and I can kick it if I want. It needs to stop being my escape, it needs to stop being my only release. Well actually, "it" doesn't need to stop, I need to stop letting it do these things for me. I know its not right and I can't really deal with myself for doing it.

Had to go buy 2 new tires today. Cuz not only was the one shredded, the other one on that side decided it needed to start going flat. I called my mom crying because I just couldn't handle the thought of not being able to pay for the things I need. I've always had money and never needed to ask anyone for help. It was a very difficult task for me to do. But I accomplished it and feel much better about my life. I know I'm being childish and freaking out over nothing but it's been a while since I've had a freak out so I think it all just came out today.



"I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say"
~Mayday Parade

ksl.com - LDS apostle says religious freedom is under attack

ksl.com - LDS apostle says religious freedom is under attack

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Watching the news

So I was on the Fox 13 website just looking around killing some time and came across this article about homosexuality. Ok, I get it the LDS church doesn't agree with it. So what? I'm sure that the gay community doesn't agree with a lot of the things that go on in the church. But you don't see them going on and on about it and trying to get everything they feel in the media. Yes, they do fight for their rights and when it needs to happen they will put it in the public eye...but does the church really need to keep going on about it? We all get it. Now shut up and let us move on.